A dissident is here…

Musings from 2008

‘I’ve been awakened, and awakened some more.’

Nearly 2 years ago this spring I discovered bellydance. I was so intrigued by the feminine movement and embracing sensuality and the way the female body naturally wants to move. I fell in love with it. I found that, for me, it is about reclaiming the power that has been taken from women and about stripping away the layers of self-doubt, self-loathing, fear…and taking on that feminine power and love.

This was an awakening for me. Something that felt good and right. I was not comfortable trying to fit into a box of ‘who I should be.’ I’m constantly changing and I can’t imagine staying the same—ever. I don’t want to.

Now I’m awakening more. For about this same amount of time since I began bellydance and began really digging in to discovering feminine power and beauty, I have been uneasy in the church, partly because how on earth would the church feel about reclaiming this feminine power, especially this sensual feminine power? Although I couldn’t put my finger on WHY and I know that bellydance isn't wrong, I just felt it wouldn’t be accepted. Beyond that I didn’t feel I belonged there and my husband felt the same way. Neither of us could explain why. We have slowly withdrawn and we don’t go to church very often anymore.

I’m not a religious person. I’m a spiritual person. Religion bothers me. The thinking that me should wear suits and ties to church bothers me. The thinking that one should attend church every Sunday, to see and be seen, bothers me. The paradigm of guys should be ‘nice guys’ and women should be submissive bothers me. And now I’ve put my finger on a huge, major thing that bothers me.

This weekend I read Sue Monk Kidd’s The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman’s Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine. It struck a chord with me that rocked my world. I realized for the first time the incredible patriarchy within the culture and the church. This was why I have felt such un-ease in the church. The church ignores women! The church is by, for, and about men. And now that I realize this, I can’t go back to where I was before, simply unaware.

Today we decided to go to church and I conducted a little experiment. I wanted to see how many times God was referred to in the masculine in the music, prayers and message.

God was referred to as King of the Universe in one song.

In a prayer, the pastor called on Father God six times.

Another song used these pronouns : “His, his, he and his”

Another prayer referred to: Daddy, His love, His grace, His hope, His child, Father, His Son, His name, and His child again.

Another prayer called on Father God nine times.

There were more. I counted thirty-two references to God in the masculine, zero references to God in the feminine.

Where is Mother God? Where is the Divine Feminine? Within the Christian tradition, it doesn’t exist.

What if every single reference to God today was made in the feminine instead?

Mother God.

Her love.

Her grace.

Her hope.

Mother God.

Why have women been excluded from the ways we think of God? The book explores this and is truly eye opening.

October 19, 2009

Yesterday we went to church for the first time in several weeks. I felt prickles when the worship team sang these lyrics:

Your blood speaks a better word

Then all the empty claims I’ve heard upon this earth

Speaks righteousness to me

And stands in my defense

Jesus, it’s Your blood

What can wash away our sins?

What can make us whole again?

Nothing but the blood

…

Nothing but Your blood, King Jesus

I was moved by the song, even the reference to King Jesus. I didn’t want to keep count of the masculine vs. feminine references. I knew there wouldn’t BE any feminine references. It felt good to be drawn in again and I wanted to revel in that feeling. As good as it felt, by the end of the service I was crying tears of frustration and absolute anger at something a pastor said. The multiple pastors are male, of course. The message was on Luke 8:26-39, about a man possessed by demons. I was still acutely aware of God being referred to only in the masculine. A few days earlier I’d gotten into a facebook debate about it, my husband and I had been discussing it extensively, and I was trying to work through how to mesh everything together and make sense of it.

So when the pastor flippantly said that the demons ‘screamed like a little girl’ when they left the man, I set my jaw in shock and hurt. And then the tears came.

By itself, the phrase (though I hate it) was probably not a big deal. But it touched something deep inside of me. My husband knew it. He looked at me and said, referring to the pastor, ‘he has no power.’ I said ‘he’s in a position of power’ and thought ‘and I’m sick and tired of his endless references to Father God!’

My husband went to have a conversation with this pastor later. I doubt he changed the pastor’s mind, but I was grateful for him sticking up for my hurt.

…

2010

We went to church on Father’s day. It was baby dedication day. I felt a wave of outrage wash over me when the pastor proclaimed fathers the most important figure in the home. Let me be reminded of the hierarchy: Male God, then Men, then women.

I heard the references to male God over and over and over. My husband squeezes my hand. I find myself so focused on when the next Father God is coming that I don’t even hear the prayer.

At the end of the service, an announcement was made that there were brats for all the men, as well as ‘Man Cards’, whatever those are. No doubt made by the women. My husband did not want either and I was grateful for that.